I wish that somebody would bring me a compass or even a map, just something to distract me from the fact that I am lost. I got caught up in the whirl wind of experimentation and I don’t mean sexual relations or physical stimulation limitations; I got lost by love. See, the media has convinced me that all men lie and all men cheat and if you’re bound to be disrespected then why bother speak? That black men don’t want brown girls to match with, if a guy shows any interest don’t get too attached, he will leave. And i’ve found a good one, a really good guy but when you are stuck in a negative mind state, you feel like happiness is a lie and you wait for someone to do you wrong ‘cause you’ve never been done right. So, you put on your scariest mask, pull out your ugliest words, stab deep wounds with your sharpest attitudes, and wait for someone to abandon you, like you assume you deserve. See, I grew up making the assumption that you date to break up, no such thing as a permanent make-up, you marry to divorce, make rules just to enforce and you forget that love is about loving somebody, not picking them apart, not fighting, but love. And I’ve waited years for this guy to mess up, I ran from the truth cause it wasn’t enough. I wanted lies, I wanted to be fooled so I can move forward and not have to worry about being lied to or fooled anymore. I spat hate, he swallowed pride, I cooked pain, he threw up lies, I kicked him out, he came inside, I walked away, he walked beside, I called him out, he never denied a thing. He continued to be patient and I hated it. I would look through his phone, hoping to catch him calling another girl by my name. I would yell anytime he left the house with hopes of driving him so crazy that he would approach a girl with the same lips that kiss me goodbye. I would get an attitude when he told me how much he loved me and hopes that maybe he wouldn’t love me anymore and I would finally be free.

And now that I am alone, I realized that the definition of free has changed. What’s free about checking your phone when you won’t have a text? Or a guy telling you “you’re beautiful and if you ever need sex, can I be next?” I mean what’s free about nobody being there to defend you when you’re called out your name and now that I’ve grown up, being free isn’t the same. So yes, ladies. Some guys will cheat, some will lie and even disrespect you but when you come across a good man, don’t scare him, don’t share him and when you’re given the truth, don’t pray for a lie.